Peyown Blaw Peyown Blaw ya missed, I'm dodging them. ha

Hot Daaaaaaaammmmnnnn

Man listen, you ever feel like skipping? That's how I feel right now, I feel like skipping like a lil blind lesbian in a fish market! POW!!!

I dodged a bullet like a mugg. My life hasn't been worthy of canonization by any means. Just read the blog, I fucked so much I am surprised I don't get a check for my services. But I got down with a chick once a long time ago, it was brief, pretty much one and done. Strapped up and everything. But Wheeew.

Lemme explain. When I can't sleep, I stay up(duh) and get online and look for the most random shit I can find.

Tonight it was dead porn stars night. I was wondering about the Aids and suicide rate is with those performers. I had thought of a chick from the only porno tape I had since like eigth grade. Her name was Jordan McKnight. Lawd she was fine, just my speed. Chocolate skin, full lips, great tits and ass. The epitome of what a Black woman should be, in my eyes anyway.

With all the porn I have watched since having that one video tape, I wondered why I didn't see her anymore. So I looked her up. I remember hearing she got the package. The monster. The three letter deader. So I'm searching, can't find her. Know what that means? Yup, ADHD rears its head, and I get sidetracked. So I happen upon this website called pink cross. Holy crap, it was made by a former star who is born again or something and wants to stop the evils of the industry. I was reading about the std statistics, and the deaths and the suicides. Some eye opening stuff. Oh, I also learned that even that industry is bigoted. I saw no mention of any Blacks that died for their craft. At least I didn't see pictures of any.

Let's just say this. I think my porn addiction might be over after reading some of that shit. Because if I'm looking and watching while one hand mouse clicking, shit will be in the back of my mind. "Oh she aint creaming, that ghonnorhea!" Or "Wow, I wouldn't eat that pussy if I were you, that looks like a simplex there buddy.". So now one of my last small pieces of some freedom is fading away. Great!!! Thanks internet!!!

You know I went way around the country to get back to my original point of dodging a bullet? I'm one long winded fucker. So I briefly had a fling with a single mom maybe three years ago. When I say brief. I mean brief. Long story short, we smash, I'm amaziing blah blah blah. Something weird went down and I left briefly after I gave her the amazing blah blah blah. But while looking at all these sites, I see all these links, clink a few. I see a support website for sex addicts. I click, I browse. Holy Shit, why does she have a pic in her profile? Why does she have more kids than I was told? Why is she on welfare living in a nice ass house? Why did she admit to fucking 16 different dudes in February? I'm no mathematician but isn't that like a different guy, no wait one guy every other day? Perhaps gangbang? "GASPS"

Thank De Lawd Fo Magnums!!!!!!
(Crowd cheers!!!!!)

Dodging Bullets!!!!

Grown Ass Man Style Kyle While While You Wild Out Child...

I am feeling so relieved these days. I've been so tired and out of it. The winter does that to me I guess. Traveling in the cold is not my cup of tea either, but I do it if necessary. Sometimes you have to understand the necessary, the needs, the bare essentials and put the wants on the wayside. Everything you want isn't good for you.

This year I started doing a ton of open mic shows. Comedy that is. And I think that I can be pretty good at it. I actually believe I can be great at it. All it takes is time and being steady on the grind with it. Which is something I can do, if it didn't require so much work. Hell, I'm lazy, what else can I say. I think the key for me would be, less beer and more be there.

I don't know but for some reason this whole week has been liberating. I sat in the house packing and cleaning, just being nostalgic about the time here. Seems like last week we moved in here. Soul searching, a lot of it. Seeing things for what they truly are and not what I wished they were. Taking accountability for what I do, and what I bring to myself.

For a long time I would take it personal if someone didn't like me, or didn't feel the same way about me as I do for them. Its like fuck it. What am I supposed to do? Cry? I have before, I won't now. I don't know how to kiss ass, brown nosing just never sat right with me. These days I just listen more intently. I try to do everything with an unmatched intensity. But I listen the best.

I listen for tones and change of speech and so on. I'm better equipped to pick up on bullshit quicker than I have before. And that's probably because I am a master bullshitter myself, I just didn't know when I was being conned. Them days are over. Words mean nothing unless you say them the right way. But the words you do say, that have a meaning behind, make sure you mean it. LOL, I don't know what has happened in a span of a few days, but I feel renewed. Its like looking in the mirror and asking myself; why am I doing this, why am I doing that?

My position in life is not where I want it to be, but I'm not mad about it. If there any failures I have it is me and me alone that have caused them. I can't give up on what I want. I can't allow myself to be sidetracked by wants and bullshit any longer. It feels good, I like it. Its going to last. It has too. Or I won't.

Let's go!