I Said Pu$$y Not Piss Damnit!

The single days were just great. A lot of hood rats rolled through. Not all hood rats, but I had quite my share in the day. One of them stands out for some reason. I met this chick at the subway station. I don’t know if I was on my way to work, or not. But I was always going somewhere those days. She is pretty much on the other side waiting to go the other way. She yells over, and asks for a cigarette. Being the gentleman that I am, I tell her to come and get it. She obliges, wasn’t hard to tell that the deal was sealed. So we are sitting there talking, and I’m sizing her up. She had some pretty eyes, and long hair. She said everything on her was hers. That ass and them tits were real, that’s for damn sure. I couldn’t wait to tap that ass.

I don’t know how long we talked on the phone before her visit. I don’t even remember her name to be honest. I am bad with names anyway. At this time, I stayed shit faced. My drink at the time was old grand dad, 100 proof. When you have a toothache, some older black person would tell your ass to get some whiskey. I should have known not to follow my grandfather’s advice then. But, what the hell, right?

Well, anyways, the chick was due to come over. When she arrived, I knew it was chickenhead time. She immediately looks at the liquor and is like;

“Ooooh, what’s this daddy, can I take a swig of this?”

I grumbled out a yeah. But I wasn’t too thrilled that I had to share with her. It is always bring your own bag day at my house. While I was in the kitchen getting her a cup, she was guzzling this 100 proof liquor like it was miracle spring water. This shit was a pint of some hard shit, that usually at that time, took me at least, 4 days to even finish. This wasn’t going to end well. It was the principle of it all. She then sees in the ashtray, that there is a freshly rolled joint. Now this was some goods, and if I smoked alone, I was rolling it in some e-z wider.

“Ooooh, is that some herb? Yo what’s up, lets light that shit up!”


What the fuck did I get myself into? I am trying to be the polite host and shit, but this was already getting ridiculous. So, I light the shit up, and I swear I think I only took three pulls. I pass the shit to her, and she showed no mercy to this shit. I didn’t know if I was looking at a long hair, pretty eyed beauty, or a eureka vacuum cleaner. She passes it back to me. And I am looking it, like she was going to give me some tweezers to even make an attempt to smoke. I am sure that I was upset at the time. This was just crazy.

Well, she made herself comfortable, started to disrobe and all. Whatever animosity I had, was gone then. It was that time. So we getting into it, and damn, I never heard any chick that loud up until that point. That does a lot for your ego. I don’t even care if it was faked, shit, let the neighbors hear. I was trying to bang ole girl downstairs for a minute. What better way to entice her. So, we are going at it, and she goes bonkers, just convulsing, it was like a seizure. I am thinking oh no, I think I killed the bitch. Lucky for me, that wasn’t the case. However, she peed on me. This fool peed on me, so I’m like;
“Yo, what the hell? You peed on me, what type of shit is you on?”

She says to me;

“Nah baby, when the dick is that good, I can’t control it, I squirt when the dick is good like that, c’mon, c’mon.”

“Nah yo, you peed on me, the bed, what the fuck?!”

Now, I am fucking skeptic. I never seen that shit before then. So, you know I am sitting there sniffing the shit, I am trying to find out if this was urine. I mean come on, she had drank my liquor up, debo’d the weed. And now, the final insult is to piss on me. I had watched many a porno, and I never saw that shit. This was before people were even on the internet twenty four seven. It didn’t smell like piss, thank goodness, but I still had my doubts. I was 5 minutes from calling up an older cousin to find out if they knew anything about this phenomenon, but they would tell me that I was pissed on, just to fuck with my head. And on the strength of that, her cab would have been called. Ah, being young and dumb.

So, after the sniff tests, and the fact that the cooch was pretty much banging, we continue. So, ole girl is flipped over, and it’s the big bang. Shit starts getting louder, and louder. I really wish camera phones were out then. So, it is on. The fact that she was just loving this was good enough for me. I am making fuck faces like I was in a porno. I am having a good time back there to say the least. But, something happened. The bun she had rolled up in her hair, um, it popped off, and fell behind the bed. So while I am back there, doing my best Ron Jeremy impersonations, her real hair, decided to jump off the back of her head, and run under the bed. I mean, what could she say? The fact that I had a deep belly laugh, didn’t help matters any.

That threw me off a few strokes. And we weren’t playing golf. But, I did get a hole in one.