Things To Do When Drunk, and Not in Denver (Male Whore Stories)

Things To Do When Drunk, and Not in Denver (Male Whore Stories)


Some years ago, I had a horrendous drinking problem. Not with alcohol, but I would drink liquids, but the contents would always fall out of my mouth. And I was usually shit faced drunk hen this occurred. In 1997, I worked at a pharmaceutical company in the help desk department. It was supposed to be a 8 week assignment, but I actually ended up staying there for an entire year. I had moved to my father’s ex wife’s house, here my brother and sister lived as well. It was all good in the beginning. I was making okay money for that time, and I didn’t have to pay much to stay where I was staying. There was one problem though. This was the most boring town I have ever lived in, in my life. There was absolutely nothing to do at all. If you ever heard of a one horse town, this was it.
The bottom line is that, there as nothing to do there. I would wreck my brain looking to find something to do all the time. During those days I wasn’t much a beer drinker, my drink as old grand dad, 100 proof. I can’t remember who put me on to it. I know it was one of my uncles. I had a killer toothache one day, and the pain killers weren’t doing for me that day. He told me “you need to get you some whisky, knocks it right on out.” The shit knocked me out right along with the pain sometimes. That was the beginning of my love affair with whiskey. At that point in my life, all I knew was weed anyways.

But in this one horsed assed town, I didn’t know where to cop from. I would have to take the train all the way back home, but then I would always wind up smoking it all up in my own hood. I would go back to the town, empty handed. I figured that my step mother wouldn’t think it was cool of me to smoke weed anyways. Especially, if the kids were around, don’t ant to be a bad influence. So, I just because a damned lush.

There was a little town bar, called the station café. There was nothing but middle aged to old heads in there. I felt like a fish out of water going in there after work at first, but in a couple weeks time, I was like norm from cheers. The bartender Charlie would ask me why I drank granddad. I didn’t know why at that point. All I know is that, I had a good sleep every night. He suggested that I try something called Johnny Walker red. Johnny and I became great friends. Took a day or two to know how I wanted it. It became, double shot, 3 pieces of ice, and a splash of water. I would easily drink maybe 6-7 of those a night. I remember it being maybe 3-4 bucks then.

One night I come into the bar, and there is this chick sitting in what I would say was my seat. It wasn’t a big thing, I was there to get shit faced. She gets up and walks to the back to go to the bathroom. She had one of the fattest asses I seen. My man Steve saw my eyes bulging out of my head, and came over to dare me to try to get with her. She probably had a few years on my then, could have been around 32 or so. She comes back and sits down, so I ask her how she was doing. Nothing. No reply. This chick is just rude. I am sitting right next to her. Rude assed bitch! There was music playing, but not that loud that she couldn’t hear me. So, I was like fuck her.

I walk over to chat with Steve, and he is like;

“What’s up playboy? What she talking about over there?”

“Man, fuck her, I was going to buy her a drink, but she can’t even say hello back”

“Why don’t you (he starts wiggling his fingers around like he was doing gang signs”

“What the hell is that? Is that how ya’ll pick up women in this town? Hand dancing?”

“I forgot to tell you, she is deaf youngin” (he LOL’s)

“(blank face)”

I go back and sit down, and tap her on the shoulder, and say hello. She nods and smiles back. I ask Rick, the bartender to get her a drink on me. She actually says thank you. But she sounded like Chewbacca from star wars when she spoke. Okay I’m thinking, fuck this, I will not be sitting here all night listening to baby chewy, shit made my dick go soft. I go in my bag and break out the notebook from work. And I start writing down everything. Like, what’s your name, age, etc. this went on for a few more nights. It was all good. By the end of the week, I didn’t even want to hit it. There was nothing wrong with her or anything, I just lost interest. But one night, she had her own little notebook, and wrote down in capital letters;

I AM SO HORNY RIGHT NOW


Bingo! It was about that time. I didn’t know anything about anything in this town, other than where I lived, and the bar. But I knew I wasn’t going to take her to my place. I had to find a hotel, motel or a holiday inn somewhere. I wanted to smash so bad that I had wrote back

LETS GET OUT OF HERE THEN.

We walk outside, without any destination in site. It was the winter time, so we had our gloves on. She could read my lips a little bit. I know from our notebook sessions, that she didn’t live close at all, she just hung out at the bar until her train came most of the time. And I don’t remember her living situation. I ask her where is a hotel at, she says to me;

“Rownnn noooob phlppptttttt, bongggg doof”

“Ohhhhhhhhhkay then”

Steve comes walking out of the bar, or I should say, staggering out of the bar. I ask him where a hotel is at that was close. He tells me about some starlight hotel that is like 30 miles away, and a cab would take me for about 35 bucks. Oh hells nah. But took one look at that ass. Fuck it, I’m game. Luckily for me, my siblings uncle was a cab driver, and I got out there for close to nothing. We get to the starlight. Thank goodness it was a short stay available there, I wasn’t springing for any over night, even if it came with a free breakfast.

Almost as soon, as we are in the room, her clothes were peeling off. She motioned that she was going to the bathroom to take a shower. Good shit, love a gal that freshens up before hand. I had a joint, so I was smoking as soon as I sat on the bed, while looking for flicks on the television. The joint was a phat one, full of goods, Cambodian. I’m sitting on the bed in my boxers, I put the joint out, I was good. She was in the shower what seemed like forever. She came out finally, and motioned to the half a joint in the ashtray. Sure, go ahead I nodded.

See this is the messed up thing. We couldn’t have a normal conversation. And when I smoke I start to analyze things to the finest point. But, oh man, that weed must have hit her something serious, she just started cracking up. Oh shit I thought, I was bugging, I was thinking maybe the weed would bring back her hearing or some shit. I’m silly like that. If it can help someone with glaucoma see, then hell, why cant it bring the deaf back their hearing? She was just giggling her ass off, and then attempted to “talk” to me. The fool I am, was talking back;

“You like the weed?”

“Wouuuuwnnnnnnnnn erbbbbbb”

“Yeah, its them goods, that cambo”

“Bllllpppt wounnnnn arbbbbbbbb?”

“No doubt”

What the fuck was I doing? She got a crazy look in her eyes, like she was about to eat me up or something. And in my paranoid weed thinking, anything is possible. She could be like a new serial killer or something. Kills men, and cuts their ear drums out or something, wears the drums as a necklace. Leaves notes in brail or something. Calls herself the Helen Keller Killer or some shit. At the thought of it all, I started laughing myself. I had a half pint of JWR in my bag, and started pouring myself a few shots, throwing them back. I gave her a few also. After the second shot, she pulled my dick out, and was going to town. I sat back, drinking the shots, and smoking a cigarette.

This was living. I felt kind of bad though. That damn weed will make your ass think a little too much. There was something that seemed a little bit immoral about it all. That ended quickly. There was a porn on the television. The dude was calling the chick all types of names, she was telling him what to do and how hard to do it.

A light went off in my head, this was going to be my shit talking debut. Now, up until that point I would say nothing when having sex. I would go in, do my job, and focus on the matter at hand. I had no time for small talk. But ah ha! Not this evening. The shit that started coming out of my mouth, I don’t even know if I can type them. I can, but damn. She starts to look up at me while my dick is down her throat, and I’m like; “don’t look at me hoe, just keep sucking that dick.” Man, don’t you know, you cant say no shit like that when your dick is between lips and teeth. Thank goodness she didn’t read lips that well, or heard vibrations of what I said. Or I would be writing this as Ole Stubby.

I’m not going to nut from head, never have, and probably never will. I was ready to fuck. I throw different rubber on, and I flip her ass over on her back. She wasn’t no amateur, that’s for damned sure. She threw her legs up, and held them up with her own arms. She did have me by like 7 years or so, no pussy like new older pussy I guess. One thing I could not get into was the deaf moans. I mean it was sounding like, like on national geographic, they go underwater to record the sperm whales mating calls. It was like I was fucking Chewbacca’s sister.

Just so I didn’t have to listen to her, I started making my own noise. This was a pure comedy fuck on my part. I was saying everything under the sun. I was drunk and high as hell. I am just like;

“Yeeeeaaaaaahhhhhhhhhh Bitttcccchhhhhhh, Take this dick hoe asses bitch assed hoe assed bitch!!!”

“Wounnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn, ooooooooooooppppppppahhhhhh”

“What the fuck is oooopah hoe?!”

I got her on all fours, and man listen, the porn me, started all the shit I have never done before. I am pulling the chicks hair, smacking the ass with all the strength I could muster. She is digging this shit though.

“Urbbbbbbbbbb gwannnnnnnnnnnnnnnn”

“Yeah bitch”

She lost her damn mind when I was hitting it from the back. I had her ankles gripped in my hands, and her head was almost hitting the headboard, only to be stopped by one of her hands. One hand was switching from getting balance, and holding that ass open even more, while she was throwing it back something serious. The room had a mirror where I could see us in. the whole time I am sweating, and making fuck faces in the mirror. I mean I am striking poses and shit. Talking mad shit, I mean, she couldn’t hear me. I mean I am saying things like, I’m going to fuck your sister tomorrow, I’m going to fuck you until you hear what I’m saying. And as soon as I say the shit, I look in the mirror and crack up. I looked on the night stand, and Johnny Walker had a look of shock on his face. I pulled out for a hot minute to reposition her, so that I am standing on the side of the bed, and directly in front of the mirror. Now this is the first shit out of her mouth that I could understand. I was on some fuck it shit. I was about to put it in her ass. Why not, right?

“Uhn uhnnnnnnn, nooooooouuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu, touuu migggggggggg, touuu migggg!!!! Uhnnn Uhhnnnn”

“Really bitch? Thanks”

Oh man, I was terrible that night. After I came, I was too through. The weed, the liquor, busting an amazing nut had done my young ass in. i went in and took a shower, and as soon as I came out, I was out like a light. When I woke up, it was pretty much time to leave, I did call down to the front desk to extend the room stay for a few more hours, so I can get some more time to sleep. She had to go, she had her own money, so that was good. She wrote out that she would be at the bar next week. When I did see her at the bar, she saw me messing around with some chick and caught an attitude. I tried to explain but,

She wasn’t trying to hear me.

How To, or Not To Pick Up A Lady...

Brother: “What’s good ma, how you?”

Her: “Do I look like your momma or something? You need to come at me better than that, I will not be your ma, or no shit like that, with your busted ass. I don’t have time for you and your played out game nigga, so keep it moving. You will not be calling me ma and or whatever.

Brother: “Damn, what am I supposed to say, I don’t know your name.

Her: SAY goodbye.


Funny Animations @ Youvee.net


Brother : “What’s up shorty?

Her: “Shorty? Do I look like some motherfucking shorty to you, I DO have a name, you could have asked what my name was, as simple as that, but you want to come and disrespect a sister, like I am some child, needing to be called shorty, WTF is wrong with you lame assed niggas….

Him: “But, I was ju…..”

Her: “I don’t care what ya broke ass was trying to do, next time come at me with a little more respect, because I am not trying to hear none of your lame assed shorty, or ma, or whatever nigga, so KIM!

Him: “So, your name is Kim? Cool”

Her: “No, KIM, Keep It Moving nigga!


Funny Animations @ Youvee.net


Brother: “Hey ma’am, can I talk to you for a minute?”

Her: “Ma’am? MA’AM?!!! Do I look like I am someone’s ma’am? Do I look like some old negro spiritual or something, that you can just clown me, and try to make me feel like some geriatric long toothed fossil, that needs some young buck, ya damn clown, I am not in the mood for niggas like you! Ma’am my ass. My momma, you can call ma’am, not me. Not ya girl!

Him: “So what can I call you?”

Her: “You can call me OUT, because that’s what I am, ya no game having, dry dredlocked, single sole timberland wearing, ma’am calling son of a bitch, dry lips, ashy handed motherfucker!

Him: “WTF?!”


Funny Animations @ Youvee.net


Him: “Whadddddduuuuup Biotchhhhhhhh?!!!!!!”

Her: “HAAAAYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY”


Funny Animations @ Youvee.net



Me:


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STORE BOUGHT RANDOM THOUGHTS

Where in the hell is Natalee Holloway? I am serious, I have been wondering this for 2 years. I am deeply concerned. I mean, we need to care so much about white teenage party girls, whose parents pay for a trip way out of the country. I want to get some skin bleach, dye my hair blonde, and get lost in Staten Island, and see just how long the cops take to begin to look for me.

Sorry, my television in on the entertainment channel, so I was a little bit thrown of course by the typical American standard of beauty.

I haven’t written anything in a long time. I guess it is because I would use some type of anger to fuel my blog. Anger to me is good, when used in productive ways. But here’s something fascinating. I have not been pissed off in a long time. I mean there are a lot of things I can be pissed off about, but now, I could really care less. I find myself laughing more and more. And here is something else, since I have denounced the holy spirit and all the religion mumbo jumbo, I feel 100 percent better, and in some ways safer. No longer do I hold my tongue, because I may pay the cost at the time of my demise. I don’t think we need ten rules to tell us what is wrong to do in life. If you don’t know already that it is wrong to kill, just by a simple thought process, then you are just a fucking nut.

Like, I know it is wrong to sleep with a married woman. I have done it time after time in the past, and felt guilty, because I figured it was a sin. HAHAHAHA. Well, that shit is out the door. I say bring on the unhappy broads, and let me give them girth brooks in the rubber coated flesh. We know it is wrong, but we do it. It’s called human nature. We are all fucked up in some way. No reason to blame God or the Devil for what you do as a person. If anything, blame it on the stars or something, shit, at least you can see them.

This entry I can tell is going to be all over the place. Well, my birthday was on December 12th. A few days ago, and something must have happened during that wine induced sleep I had during the majority of the day. I had one long dream, and it was all about this last year I had. The deaths, the drama, the let downs, the fakes, the frauds, the liars, the cheaters, the assholes, the uppity, just damn near everyone.

I woke up, and just blurted out FUCK IT!

I have been giving people the benefit of the doubt for too long. I mean I am not the nicest guy in the world by any means, but I am loyal. I am to loyal, and tat cold have been the death of me at times. Even in times where I am being placed at the bottom of the totem pole by someone that say they give a shit about me, I still give them a second chance to prove their worthiness. Well, it is a new day ladies and gents.

While I was conscious, I thought about some people. Past, present, and possible futures. About 9 years ago, I met someone, we hit it off instantly then. Throughout the years, we remained in contact. There were times when we would lose contact briefly, but when we did speak, it was like there was no break at all. Like minds, both of us silly, and just sharing laughs, and everything, and of course there are the times when we do have deep conversations about important issues.

Before catching up again with her, I had many brief encounters. I don’t know if you can even call them relationships. I guess they were more like something to do. Even though I may have seen potential at times, it was never there, or there was something that instantly turned me off. I think I have had a problem in the past. My screen name is actually captainsaveahoecake, and that is what the problem is. I have been trying to save these hoes. By like making them feel that they aren’t hoes at all, that they are redeemable or something. But that is when I was a believer, everyone is worthy of forgiveness crap. Now, I’m like naw, you are a hoe. Will not be any casting out of the demons for your ass. I had met someone, and I thought it was cool at first. She had like 4 kids, 3 dads, didn’t work, I guess because they are getting that child support money. But even then, I saw a future, somehow. I don’t know what I was thinking. I mean, if you have a kid by a guy who is now married to a chick that you had a lesbo relationship with, but make and have the kid after they were married. That is too much for me. LOL, I mean come on, I like to watch Maury Povitch, and Springer and all, but that does not mean I want to be a guest or something. The sad thing is that people like this choose to not hear the truth, and would rather run away from absolute 100% truth, they think all is well in their minds. Or it could be a mason Dixon thing.

Now back to my girl. Through all the bullshit I have been through this past year, I realize that, in the back of my mind, she has always been the one. I may have sub-consciously ruined past relationships, because I knew she was still available. It is like finally we got to the point where we sat and talked, and said, okay, this is it, we are ready, lets do this. I need to clarify this, but I believe she gave me until April to get all of the whoring out of my system. Who wouldn’t love that? I am really ready to settle down, get married, and make tons of babies. As many as I can afford really. It is an odd feeling to have. In the past I know I was saying that I was ready, maybe I was ready, but I was really just ready for the right woman. A woman that I wouldn’t second guess. A woman who isn’t so insecure that they hate the fact that you had a past. A woman who you would introduce to your mother with no problems. I have never introduced any chick I dealt with to moms, mainly because they weren’t worthy. If it ever happened, it was an accident, like moms was walking down the street or something, other than that. Nope!

I have learned something else this year. Be careful of people who try too hard. I am very leery of people who over due shit. Or go all out to be soooooo nice. That makes my spidey sense tingle. Its like, if I go to my girl’s parent’s house for a holiday, the first one at that, and I buy only the father a gift, because he is the most important man in her life, then I am trying too damn hard. Obviously, I have ulterior motives. But then again I am not fake, at least I don’t think I am, and I don’t give gifts. Dmed that, it’s a gift to have me in your home bucko!

The year 2008 is going to be an interesting one for me. And I would hope a very good one, not just good, but fucking outstanding! In a couple weeks I will be moved into a new 6 bedroom house, with a lawn, and a water bill. I don’t wish, and hope that it will work out well, I know it will. I want to move in right damn now. I am still cheap, so I am looking for a used fridge to move in there. I don’t want to spend over seventy five bucks. Yup, I am frugal.

2008 is also the year where I cut off tons of people. My circle is small already at this point, but it needs to be smaller and more contained. The people in my life, I love them, but at times I do not like them. I had a brief stint in an out patient alcohol program, it didn’t work obviously, but there are two things I remember from those meetings were; people, places and things, I cannot continue to be around certain folks, I am not a follower, but I can end up in a situation where my freedom is in jeopardy because of my loyalty to some folks. Places I used to go to, tat were fun for me before aren’t anymore, I don’t drink like that anymore, I don’t have the urge to become the life of the party, now I’d rather sit and chill in the house with my red wine, read a book, listen to the secret or whatever. Things, thing be them hoes, lol. And INK, important, necessary, kind. This past year, that has been flashing through my mind so much, when someone around me says something that is just evil or dumb. I had a few exes that would hate on someone for no reason at all, INK INK INK, would flash through my mind like neon lights.

Around this time last year, I wanted t give up on life. I wanted to die. I wanted to die, so I could hurt people. But that is just silly. Today, I want to remain here. The only way I can hurt anyone now is by being the success I already am I am sure there are folks that want to see me dead, or something close to it. I have people daily trying to fuck with me, or want to be a crab in a barrel, to pull me down to the bottom where they love to dwell. Instead of being upset, and actually stooping there, I look down, laugh, wave my hand, and tell them good luck. My sister Asia told me something profound the other day;
“Hurt people, hurt people.”
As simple as that. I went back to a conversation I had with one of my best friends Mechelle, even though it was a silly conversation, I thought about it afterwards, and it meant more than what our dirty minds were saying at the time;
“If you can’t be with the one you want, love the one you’re with.”
And since I was alone, single, who do you think I had to love?