STORE BOUGHT RANDOM THOUGHTS

Where in the hell is Natalee Holloway? I am serious, I have been wondering this for 2 years. I am deeply concerned. I mean, we need to care so much about white teenage party girls, whose parents pay for a trip way out of the country. I want to get some skin bleach, dye my hair blonde, and get lost in Staten Island, and see just how long the cops take to begin to look for me.

Sorry, my television in on the entertainment channel, so I was a little bit thrown of course by the typical American standard of beauty.

I haven’t written anything in a long time. I guess it is because I would use some type of anger to fuel my blog. Anger to me is good, when used in productive ways. But here’s something fascinating. I have not been pissed off in a long time. I mean there are a lot of things I can be pissed off about, but now, I could really care less. I find myself laughing more and more. And here is something else, since I have denounced the holy spirit and all the religion mumbo jumbo, I feel 100 percent better, and in some ways safer. No longer do I hold my tongue, because I may pay the cost at the time of my demise. I don’t think we need ten rules to tell us what is wrong to do in life. If you don’t know already that it is wrong to kill, just by a simple thought process, then you are just a fucking nut.

Like, I know it is wrong to sleep with a married woman. I have done it time after time in the past, and felt guilty, because I figured it was a sin. HAHAHAHA. Well, that shit is out the door. I say bring on the unhappy broads, and let me give them girth brooks in the rubber coated flesh. We know it is wrong, but we do it. It’s called human nature. We are all fucked up in some way. No reason to blame God or the Devil for what you do as a person. If anything, blame it on the stars or something, shit, at least you can see them.

This entry I can tell is going to be all over the place. Well, my birthday was on December 12th. A few days ago, and something must have happened during that wine induced sleep I had during the majority of the day. I had one long dream, and it was all about this last year I had. The deaths, the drama, the let downs, the fakes, the frauds, the liars, the cheaters, the assholes, the uppity, just damn near everyone.

I woke up, and just blurted out FUCK IT!

I have been giving people the benefit of the doubt for too long. I mean I am not the nicest guy in the world by any means, but I am loyal. I am to loyal, and tat cold have been the death of me at times. Even in times where I am being placed at the bottom of the totem pole by someone that say they give a shit about me, I still give them a second chance to prove their worthiness. Well, it is a new day ladies and gents.

While I was conscious, I thought about some people. Past, present, and possible futures. About 9 years ago, I met someone, we hit it off instantly then. Throughout the years, we remained in contact. There were times when we would lose contact briefly, but when we did speak, it was like there was no break at all. Like minds, both of us silly, and just sharing laughs, and everything, and of course there are the times when we do have deep conversations about important issues.

Before catching up again with her, I had many brief encounters. I don’t know if you can even call them relationships. I guess they were more like something to do. Even though I may have seen potential at times, it was never there, or there was something that instantly turned me off. I think I have had a problem in the past. My screen name is actually captainsaveahoecake, and that is what the problem is. I have been trying to save these hoes. By like making them feel that they aren’t hoes at all, that they are redeemable or something. But that is when I was a believer, everyone is worthy of forgiveness crap. Now, I’m like naw, you are a hoe. Will not be any casting out of the demons for your ass. I had met someone, and I thought it was cool at first. She had like 4 kids, 3 dads, didn’t work, I guess because they are getting that child support money. But even then, I saw a future, somehow. I don’t know what I was thinking. I mean, if you have a kid by a guy who is now married to a chick that you had a lesbo relationship with, but make and have the kid after they were married. That is too much for me. LOL, I mean come on, I like to watch Maury Povitch, and Springer and all, but that does not mean I want to be a guest or something. The sad thing is that people like this choose to not hear the truth, and would rather run away from absolute 100% truth, they think all is well in their minds. Or it could be a mason Dixon thing.

Now back to my girl. Through all the bullshit I have been through this past year, I realize that, in the back of my mind, she has always been the one. I may have sub-consciously ruined past relationships, because I knew she was still available. It is like finally we got to the point where we sat and talked, and said, okay, this is it, we are ready, lets do this. I need to clarify this, but I believe she gave me until April to get all of the whoring out of my system. Who wouldn’t love that? I am really ready to settle down, get married, and make tons of babies. As many as I can afford really. It is an odd feeling to have. In the past I know I was saying that I was ready, maybe I was ready, but I was really just ready for the right woman. A woman that I wouldn’t second guess. A woman who isn’t so insecure that they hate the fact that you had a past. A woman who you would introduce to your mother with no problems. I have never introduced any chick I dealt with to moms, mainly because they weren’t worthy. If it ever happened, it was an accident, like moms was walking down the street or something, other than that. Nope!

I have learned something else this year. Be careful of people who try too hard. I am very leery of people who over due shit. Or go all out to be soooooo nice. That makes my spidey sense tingle. Its like, if I go to my girl’s parent’s house for a holiday, the first one at that, and I buy only the father a gift, because he is the most important man in her life, then I am trying too damn hard. Obviously, I have ulterior motives. But then again I am not fake, at least I don’t think I am, and I don’t give gifts. Dmed that, it’s a gift to have me in your home bucko!

The year 2008 is going to be an interesting one for me. And I would hope a very good one, not just good, but fucking outstanding! In a couple weeks I will be moved into a new 6 bedroom house, with a lawn, and a water bill. I don’t wish, and hope that it will work out well, I know it will. I want to move in right damn now. I am still cheap, so I am looking for a used fridge to move in there. I don’t want to spend over seventy five bucks. Yup, I am frugal.

2008 is also the year where I cut off tons of people. My circle is small already at this point, but it needs to be smaller and more contained. The people in my life, I love them, but at times I do not like them. I had a brief stint in an out patient alcohol program, it didn’t work obviously, but there are two things I remember from those meetings were; people, places and things, I cannot continue to be around certain folks, I am not a follower, but I can end up in a situation where my freedom is in jeopardy because of my loyalty to some folks. Places I used to go to, tat were fun for me before aren’t anymore, I don’t drink like that anymore, I don’t have the urge to become the life of the party, now I’d rather sit and chill in the house with my red wine, read a book, listen to the secret or whatever. Things, thing be them hoes, lol. And INK, important, necessary, kind. This past year, that has been flashing through my mind so much, when someone around me says something that is just evil or dumb. I had a few exes that would hate on someone for no reason at all, INK INK INK, would flash through my mind like neon lights.

Around this time last year, I wanted t give up on life. I wanted to die. I wanted to die, so I could hurt people. But that is just silly. Today, I want to remain here. The only way I can hurt anyone now is by being the success I already am I am sure there are folks that want to see me dead, or something close to it. I have people daily trying to fuck with me, or want to be a crab in a barrel, to pull me down to the bottom where they love to dwell. Instead of being upset, and actually stooping there, I look down, laugh, wave my hand, and tell them good luck. My sister Asia told me something profound the other day;
“Hurt people, hurt people.”
As simple as that. I went back to a conversation I had with one of my best friends Mechelle, even though it was a silly conversation, I thought about it afterwards, and it meant more than what our dirty minds were saying at the time;
“If you can’t be with the one you want, love the one you’re with.”
And since I was alone, single, who do you think I had to love?