For some reason I can remember everything. The sad thing is that I remember nothing but the negative. I can remember things from when I was very young. I can recall every negative thing said or done to me. I can remember every feeling I felt at any particular time. Nd in all of these recollections. I cannot recall when there was anything that was kind, that happened to be genuine. For years I've trusted no one. What's the point? Everyone seems to be manipulative and just out for themselves. Its the human way. That's why I have no faith in mankind anymore. I think if I could, I would go back and try to hurt anyone in my past that has hurt me. Of course they wouldn't know why its happening. But I'd like to torture and give them hints.
I remember my moms. Before my uncle commited suicide over a broken heart, she was the bomb. We did a lot together. Boy scouts, dancing, bowling. We did it all. After he passed that changed. I guess my mother started to look at me as the reason she had nothing in life. When I was maybe 12 or 13 my mother stabbed me in the neck, with one of those big assed kitchen forks. I remember putting a couple of band aids on my neck, and continued on to school. Later in the day, I guess moms felt some guilt. She came to the school. To get me to bring me to the ER. She went on a tirade in the room. She was telling the doctor that she didn't want me anymore. She was tired of me and that I wasn't shit and she would have rather had an abortion. The last word I had to look up at the time. And was kind of messed up about the definition at the time. I just didn't get it. I remember when I was about 5/6 and my mother was in the bedroom crying her eyes out, because she was afraid my father would try to take me away from her. I cried with her, and I remember telling her I wouldn't go. And that I loved her. I held her and we both cried. From that day, I hated my father. Because no one was to make my mother cry. Not to mention the fact he drank too much and whupped my ass for unexplainable shit. But I did hate and fear him growing up.
I don't know why my mother flipped. I'm sure it is because her little brother killed himself. Everything changed after that. I know one time when I had got a new job, and I was doing good. Going to sleep early, not smoking. Not drinking. Just working. One night while I was laying down, my mother bust in the room, and started pouring lighter fluid on the blanket. I was half sleep. But I woke up because some of the fluid got near my nose and mouth. And I woke up even more because my mother was struggling to try and light a match to set me on fire. I left that night with a duffel bag, and I spent the night in newark penn station. I chalked it up as being that, I am not worthy of life perhaps. All I am is a joke to people. Not respected or loved unconditionally. That's what we all want. And sometimes I figure that its best to just stop life. I mean, twice my own moms tried to end my life, then why would anyone else give a fuck? I don't anymore. I am insignificant. I am perhaps a bd seed that just does not belong here. I am so without feelings right now. I'm not happy or sad. I am just tired. I've said it before. But right now it is apparent that I don't have a purpose. And when you don't have one. Its best to just leave.
I remember when I was snooping around in my grandmothers house. I found my uncle's suicide letter. At least I thought it was. And I think I understnd where he was coming from at the time. He was tired. Tired of people claiming love and whatever else. And it turning out to be false. Or events happening to where you see the truth, and finally getting it. If I never knew unconditional love, then how would I ever be capable of giving it? I really do not know how long I can go on feeling like this. I aam very tired. Some people just shouldn't go on anymore. Me included.
No comments:
Post a Comment