Holy Crap

Okay. I used to install cable in homes/businesses. Every morning, I had to get coffee. When the baby's mom and I lived together we decided to get a coffee maker for the apartment. Bad fucking idea. Sometimes she would cook and leave before I woke up and left for work. Or I would eat some bacon and eggs every morning. And of course make coffee. Now being a man, why would I read directions? I figure I just pour as many grinds into the thing until I saw fit. But the issue with this is. EVERY MORNING. I had to take a monster shit. And being that my day always started early, it meant that I did not have to shit until I was in front of a customer’s house, on the pole with a heavy tool belt on. I would have some SERIOUS bubble guts. I always climbed my happy ass down the pole, and request to use the customer's bathroom. There is something about wearing a tool belt that makes you say fuck it sometimes. For every customer whose house I shit in. I am sorry. For every customer whose house I shit in and did not have toilet paper in the bathroom. Fuck you.

One time I was at a Spanish house. They literally spoke no English at all. I was mad at the fact they were getting basic cable. Wtf did that pay? Shit? Nothing. So I asked to use the bathroom. I mean, that was the type of shit you wanted to take a picture of. I really tried to mask the smell by lighting a match. No avail. I came out feeling about 10 pounds lighter. My tool belt was comfy, and I had a spring in my step. The funny thing is that my daughter's mother is from PR. so I know some Spanish words. The bad one. All I heard was CONNNNOOOOOOOO BENDITOOOOOOOOO. I was working in the barrio, its not like I would get tipped or some shit. Don’t give me no damn pesos Esmeralda. I think they had opened all the windows, and it was the dead of winter. Lol. Shitting in a customer's house does not warrant me going to hell. However.

Luckily, I got moved up to the good area with all the nice white folks. They always tipped. So this guy has a brand new house that he bought. He was going to rent it out and talking about things I had no interest. The thing is, I knew when I would not get tipped because the customer would always be mouthing off. Tips meant money. Money meant beer money when I finished. So this guy blah blah blah with all the jibba jabba. Guess what? I was still drinking that crazy strong super coffee I made in the mornings. Again, the bubble guts hit me as soon as I hit the pole. It was like clockwork. And I am sure the time was always around 930-945am. Then the guy starts saying shit like he doesn’t want to see any wires, his kid is going to Yale, he is going to practice yoga, so he has to go. Shut the fuck up dude. Don’t you want to see yoga on TV?

Me:” you mind if I use your bathroom?"
Ass:"sure, no prob Bud"
Me:” Call me Omar"

Now Omar was the name I used if I hooked up illegally or took an illegal shit in their crib. Again, I lit this house the fuuuucccckkkk up. And while I was on the bowl, I smoked a cigarette. Read the paper, talked on the cell. You ever just take a shit, and just chill afterwards. Clearly the bathroom is my favorite place to think. The guy was gone I thought. So I am sitting there on the bowl, thinking about life and wondering about my next job. And then I look around. This son of a bitch in theist new ass house is sending his kid to Yale, but did NOT purchase toilet paper. So I am fucked now. Who wants to walk around with shit in they ass all day. Knowing I have at least 3 hours left to work and shit. AH HAAAAAAA. I had the paper. So not only did I fuck the bathroom up. But I had to wipe my ass with the daily news. It gets better. So I wipe my ass, now I have sports prints on my ass. I try to ball the paper up. Get shit on my hands a little. Great fuckin day. So I try to flush this massive shit down. With the added sports page of the daily news, and the shit over flows. The door was closed and all. But I heard the owner come back into the area where the bathroom is at. He said what only rich white people can say

Ass:"My word Helen (some shit) what is that?

How do you explain this? I didn’t. I just asked for a plunger and some air freshener. Do you know the fool did give me a tip after all? I'm guessing it was because the quicker I go, the quicker they could niggatize the bathroom.