I am going to use one of my favorite fictional books as a reference. You guessed it, the holy bible. The more and more I read anything in this book, I literally crack the hell up(pun intended). For the most part, I usually read it to prove myself wrong, maybe I am just hurt by events of late and want to use something to place blame on. I know that it was time for me to write. When my sleep pattern is fucked up for 2 or more days, there is something waiting to come out. Well, here goes nothing.
I have concluded that believing in any organized religion can only be done with people that are not intelligent. The smart ones, are the ones pimping it, and taking these fools money. Cannot be too mad at that shit. I am sure that all of the television preachers we see late at night, as soon as that camera is off, denounce Christ, deny the holy spirit, and carry on their merry way. I mean blessed way.
But let me look at this shit, this book, the bible.
Genesis 6:7 And the LORD said, I will destroy man whom I have created from the face of the earth; both man, and beast, and the creeping thing, and the fowls of the air; for it repenteth me that I have made them.
WTF?!!!! Dude, we were made in your image, and now you just like fuck it? That’s like a deadbeat dad if I ever seen one.
Maybe I shouldn’t have my television on these late night televangical shows. It is funny because you have this dude named Bishop Jordan with his block, running god’s game on us. And damnit if Rev Ike is not there talking on his behalf. What does this fool Ike say? “Point your finger at the prophet’s mouth, and say; there is money in the mouth of the prophet. Holy shit, yes, because that nigga is eating their damn money up. A room full of people too.
Wait, is this dude talking with his Bluetooth in his ear? Hells naw. Wait, so god is on the mainline, but on the Bluetooth?
Let me get back into the word. So god, the loving god, he loves us so much that he gave his only son up, so that we can have eternal life. Now, I know tis is old testament, but why in the world did this loving god drown the fuck out of every living thing on earth? Wait, it gets better. God also is saying to me that incest is cool. So noah, his wife, his sons, and their wives, are all the humans left. So I am assuming that cousins had to fuck to re-populate the earth.
But when you think of that story, we all know its bullshit. I guess it was a little joke, or something to make the people fear, fear the god that loves them, fear his ass, because he will open up the gates son!
I am serious when I say this book is pure satire. I don’t know if anyone has ever heard a very popular joke that all comedians know, and I heard, tell it to each other. Well, it is called the aristocrats. Gilbert Gottfried telling it the best in my opinion, Bob Saget, coming in a close second. The joke is so disgusting, and vile, and just so far left that there is really no way to clean it up, you just have to go all out. Basically, when you tell it, do your best to say the most gross shit you can think of. When I think of this joke, I think of the story of Lot.
Now, this dude Lot, had the misfortune of living in Sodom, of the Sodom, and Gomorrah fame. He was a good dude, he and his family were good people. But outside his house’s doors? Ohhhhh shit. It was a freakshow. I happen to know some people that have told me how bad it really was there. Fundamentalists can paint a picture of what was going on there in that time. I mean cats were fucking fish, the fish were giving kangaroos blow jobs, dogs were getting fucked by antelopes , women laid with other women, or both at the same time, men were fucking men, and god, when he heard of this shit, well damnit, he sent a couple of angels down to see what was good. That kind of messed me up, because omnipotent, I thought meant knows it all. I could be wrong, or maybe god was busy smiting a village or something. So here goes, I need to break this down in my own way;
Genesis 19
19:1 And there came two angels to Sodom at even; and Lot sat in the gate of Sodom: and Lot seeing them rose up to meet them; and he bowed himself with his face toward the ground;
The worse thing they could have done was to visit. This makes me so nervous.
Skip a few things and bam!
19:4 But before they lay down, the men of the city, even the men of Sodom, compassed the house round, both old and young, all the people from every quarter:
Now, I am guessing that this could be a welcoming committee or something.
19:5 And they called unto Lot, and said unto him, Where are the men which came in to thee this night? bring them out unto us, that we may know them.
Ahhh, they wanted to fuck the angels in the ass. Or maybe it was the antelopes. Some welcoming party.
19:6 And Lot went out at the door unto them, and shut the door after him,
19:7 And said, I pray you, brethren, do not so wickedly
Look at ole Lot, begging his neighbors not to fuck the angels. Now, they are angels, so they look angelic, pretty wings and shit, flowing white robes. Golden angel hair. It is a possibility, that they thought these angels were women. But damn, that’s right, in those days women weren’t allowed shit, they couldn’t even be angels. But Lot, being the god fearing man he is, has a better offer.
19:8 Behold now, I have two daughters which have not known man; let me, I pray you, bring them out unto you, and do ye to them as is good in your eyes: only unto these men do nothing; for therefore came they under the shadow of my roof.
GET THE FUCK OUT OF HERE?!!!! Lot, you sly bastard! What loyalty you have to god, you give up your precious daughters, in place of some metrosexual looking angels, damn. Now that is what I call faith. But as Lot’s story goes on, we can see the pervert he is. Righteous he is. But the angels told Lot, to pack his shit, and they took his family out of there, Lot’s poor wife looked back, turned to salt and what not, doesn’t matter, she didn’t have a name anyways. Long story short, they go, shack up in a cave, the kids get their pops drunk, fuck him, and have kids by their own pops.
THE ARISTOCRATS!!!!
Is it safe to say that god didn’t show his ass back on earth since he lost a wrestling match to Jacob? The old testament is funny. Its actually scary. I can watch back to back to back Steven King books, and be less nervous or scared. I have been drinking the blood of jesus all night. All I have to do is eat some bread, and I am one foot in the door. Later on today, since it is Sunday, I am going to go to the store. And whoever I see working, I am going to kill them with this samurai sword ive had for some years. Bastards aren’t going to be working on the Sabbath in my hood, and get away with it.
Too be continued…. I’m sleepy
Okay, I woke up from my nap. God came to me in a dreamy vision. What thou said to me was something I cannot forgeteth; “I stiffen thine secret place for joy comes in the morning.” Wtf does that mean?
So, it is Sunday, and I am reading the new testament. Oh boy! Classic stuff here pal. Lets listen to some gems from Jesus, shall we? The old testament isn’t the only part that is royally crazy.
Matthew
18:8 Wherefore if thy hand or thy foot offend thee, cut them off, and cast them from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life halt or maimed, rather than having two hands or two feet to be cast into everlasting fire.
You have got to be kidding me Jesus. How many times has this happened? Who in the world is going to cut off their hands? Wait, and how does the hand cause anyone to sin? Well, in some ways I can see my hand doing some serious sinning with myself. But if loving me is wrong, I don’t want to be right. But the damned foot, Jesus, the foot? Did this fool say it is better to be maimed? Damn lunatic.
18:9 And if thine eye offend thee, pluck it out, and cast it from thee: it is better for thee to enter into life with one eye, rather than having two eyes to be cast into hell fire
How does one see thy good works if thy gouged out thine eye? This is absurd. There was some singer some time ago that did that foolish shit. See how religion is the worse thing to happen to man, and not to mention R&B.
This is my favorite on the bullshit meter. This is guaranteed to piss off any Christian, really. It must suck when god’s unchanging perfect word makes them realize they have been bamboozled.
16:16 He that believeth and is baptized shall be saved; but he that believeth not shall be damned
16:17 And these signs shall follow them that believe; In my name shall they cast out devils; they shall speak with new tongues;
16:18 They shall take up serpents; and if they drink any deadly thing, it shall not hurt them; they shall lay hands on the sick, and they shall recover.
I really wonder how many fools drank some poison because of this crap right here. I can just imagine, sitting there dying and what not;
“Cough, cough, wheeze, I guess it is god’s will, and I am dying from this here cyanide< cough wheeze”
Damn fools.
Matthew
10:35 For I am come to set a man at variance against his father, and the daughter against her mother, and the daughter in law against her mother in law
10:36 And a man's foes shall be they of his own household.
Here’s the killer for me right here;
10:37 He that loveth father or mother more than me is not worthy of me: and he that loveth son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.
WTF Jesus? You are on some real egotistical shit aren’t you? So I should just not give a rat’s ass about my kids, or worry about you not being my friend? That’s pretty damned dumb. I can see my parents, and my kids, but you have never came to check me out, no matter how many times I asked. Not even a get well card when I caught the claps from that chick in the choir. SMH.
Luke
14:26 If any man come to me, and hate not his father, and mother, and wife, and children,and brethren, and sisters, yea, and his own life also, he cannot be my disciple
What a jack ass. Good to know you love me. I think.
This is tiring again already. I really, really at some point tried to believe. But there is just something about me that prevents me from doing so. I just have the ability to think for myself. Blind faith is absurd. Do you know how long you will be waiting around? Some people have said that it is better to believe, just in case there is a deity, and it would be far better to believe blindly, than not to believe only to find out, there is a god when you die, and then GASP, have to answer for not having faith. But there you have it. People just need to feel better about death, or dying, so for ages, this whole made up business of a guy in the sky shit has been making people cope with it. In 2007, I lost so many people in my life, and not one has come back and told me how it is on the other side. In my life, no one has come back and told me that heaven was the bomb, and the shrimp cocktail was immaculate. Not once. And I truly wanted to believe they were with the sky dude, chilling. There is nothing better than being able to think critically. Some of you should try it sometimes.